Constapation, Pocket Potato Salad And Laxatives.....

Que hay? ¡¡¡¡¡Cómo están?? ¡Super bien, nos alegramos!

Alright, so this week we did exchanges, so we had district council on Thursday morning. And then, for those of you who don't know what an exchange is, it's for the district leader to get to know his district. So, my companion is the district leader, so every exchange I have to go somewhere else. ¡Vamos! So, essentially, Elder Rivera and I were together while my companion, Elder Christensen, stayed here in Arecibo. I got to go to Vega Baja this week for a night. So, an exchange is for 24 hours; you trade off companions. So, I went to Vega Baja and stayed the night. It's kind of like missionary sleepovers!!! Anyway, back to district council. We met up at district council, and we have to have that every week. And so, my companion figured we could just trade right after for 24 hours and be back Friday afternoon. ¡Perfecto! So, we finished district council, and Elder Rivera and Elder Sermano don't have a Little Caesars in Vega Baja, but there's one in Arecibo. So, they're like obsessed with this Little Caesars thing, and my companion and I are genuinely confused because Little Caesars is literally not that good, lol. Like, it's cheap and fast, but if you have an option for better pizza, you're going to take it, right? That's what we think, and that's what normal people think, but not them, lol. Anyways, we go to get Little Caesars, and it's closed. So, what's next? Pizza Hut. Somehow we choose Pizza Hut of all pizza places, but idek, lol. That pizza isn't better either, but okay, lol. These kids are fools, but what can I say? Pizza's pizza. So, we went to a Pizza Hut, and my mind was blown. You know the Pizza Hut in the movie "Benchwarmers"? That's how it is here. It's a sit-down pizza restaurant with a salad buffet. I felt like I was in the '90s. I thought these things didn't exist anymore, lol. I've never been to a Pizza Hut where you can sit down and eat. All the Pizza Hut I've ever been to is in Target, hahaha. Shout out to my mom for choosing better pizza. I guess that's where I get it from. Anyway, we go there, and they order 4 pizzas for 40 dollars ($10 each) plus it comes with a drink for all of us and 2 dessert pizzas. And they're big pan crust deep dish greasy pizzas, and they bring it out. Elder Rivera eats the whole thing. I ate like 5/8 slices and a soda and breadsticks too, and we're just stuffed, like stuffed. I have never been more full in my life. Literally so full. Anyway, we go back to Vega Baja and have a member meal in an hour. I just ate the most food of my life. He didn't tell me there was a member meal... this was a disaster. Okay, so Vega Baja is a four-man house, so they share the ward in Vega Baja, and there are four elders that show up to this member meal. The other two are the zone leaders (I love them so much), but it's so funny. One of them dies after this transfer (his mission is over), so he's on the last transfer and has done 23 months of a mission, so he's all wise. Anyways, back to the meal. We get to the house, and the hermano tells us his conversion story. Long story short, he had a daughter die at 3 months. He saw an ad from the church on TV. A few days later, after praying to God about where she is and what happened to her, he ended up calling the missionaries over and asking them. He got taught the plan of salvation and asked them how he will be able to see her again. They told him he just needs to be sealed in the temple. So he got on a baptismal date and then got taught some lessons up to his baptism. A year later, he did his endowments and sealings. I'm not sure which temple he said because this was in the 90s, but it was an awesome story! After he tells us that, it's time for the meal. CHICKEN AGAIN, Satan! What are you doing to me? I literally hate chicken. It's so not good. And we also had potato salad, which was way good because they use pineapple and not apples. And the pineapples here are fire. We had a huge thing of amarillo arroz (yellow rice, kinda tastes like Mexican rice, the orangish-red rice). It's yummy and beans. Mind you, me and Elder Rivera were literally so full from Pizza Hut. So we are sitting there, and I go to Elder Hurtado (the one dying in 3 weeks), "I can't eat this. I'm going to explode like a chicken. I am so full." He says, "You got to eat it." Me, "I literally can't." "You got to." So I shove all the beans and rice into my tummy and I look back at them and go, "I can't eat this." "You have to." Okay, here's where it gets good. So Puerto Ricans never eat with you. They sit there and watch you eat... kinda weird but aight bet. So he leaves the room to go to the couch now because it's boring to watch white boys eat food. Alright, so back to Elder Rivera. He ate more food than me at Pizza Hut, and he ate his rice, and he ate all his potato salad. And the second the guy leaves, the other AP, Elder Seneca, goes, "Take my potato salad" and shoves it to Elder Rivera, and he was like, "Aight, bet" (Elder Rivera is Puerto Rican, so he has a Spanish-English accent, and everything he says just sounds funnier). And then I'm like, "Oh, we're doing this right now. Someone take my chicken right now. I can't eat it." Elder Hurtado goes, "I'll take it if you start eating." I'm like, "I literally just ate all my rice and beans, and I'm about to explode." So I go, "I got a better idea. Take the potato salad and put it on a napkin, fill it up, and shove it in my pocket jahahahahahh so I have mashed potatoes in my pocket." Elder Rivera looks like he ate nothing, and the other three of us look done. Elder Rivera then asks to use the bathroom, comes back, and said he puked 3 times in the members' bathroom (also Puerto Rican servings are like three servings in the US, they're massive). So he ate like three things of food already, plus the Pizza Hut, so I don't blame him for blowing his chunks in their bathroom. Anyways, back to us in the room while he's puking, the member comes up to me and is like, "I'm so sorry I didn't give you a napkin! JAHAHAHAHHHAHAH, it was so funny." And I'm like, "No, you did. It's in my pocket with your potato salad. Lollollllll." Anyways, we left after a quick message from Alma and went back to the church. And that's when crap went down. Lol, the ZLs had to go to another meal, so let me just say, they came back and felt like us, well only Hurtado. Seneca lied to the family and said he's on medicine so he can't eat for 24 hours. So they come back to the church, Elder Seneca walks in and says, "I EXPLODED HERMANAS TOILETTTTTTTTTT." He literally went to the other member's house and crapped his pants, diarrhea in her toilet. Lollllll, it's so awkward for him too because he had to ask her to use her bathroom, and she said, "Yeah, go in the bucket outside" (which is only for number 1). So he had to ask and say, "No, I need to use the bathroom." Lol, so she knew he was exploding her toilet. Bahahah, anyways, backstory, my poop is so off schedule here, idk why. Anyways, I think I was constipated, so did Rivera from all the Pizza Hut, and Hurtado just wanted to get all the food and garbage out of him, along with all of us three. So what do we do? .............. You guessed it, what any logical missionary would do.... We bought laxatives... Lol, we went to Walgreens, bought laxatives. I was sitting there trying to decide which one to get for 20 minutes, ended up with the chocolate ones. We all get back, take them, mind you, we have no brain because there are 4 of us taking laxatives now and one bathroom. So we all take them, and they're all up all night pooping. And I'm the only one not, so I'm like definitely constipated compared to them. And it's still kicking in. Anyways, we wake up, and I'm like, "That's odd, why didn't it work?" Bad idea, I took 2 more, and they all kicked in. I overdosed on laxatives, I'm sure of it. I went to the bathroom straight diarrhea 5 times in an hour and 11 times that day. Lol, that's the most I've pooped in my entire life. It was insane and hilarious.

This week we went to Hermana Carmen's house, and I got to meet Barney (he only speaks English and is blind). We also asked Hermana Carmen to be baptized. She said yes but doesn't think she's ready, so she's praying about it and a date! *(I did the invitation in Spanish, and it was awesome). Anyways, back to Barney. He is some white dude who says he had pain in his foot one night. He went to the doctor in his dream, and they amputated his leg, and he woke up blind. We're not sure how true that is because he's kinda crazy, but he's not old enough to just be blind already from old age. He's like 50-60 area, so he's not too old. Anyways, I'm convinced he has some mental issues. I like him though; he is a little crazy about Mormons and only knows rumors. He was asking me how many wives I'm going to have, and he was telling us that we're only allowed to drink Pepsi because it's owned by a Mormon, which is not true. I don't even know who told him that, lol. Anyways, Hermana Carmen, the lady we are teaching, told him he comes from Hitler after he was telling us a story about him wanting to buy some guy's kids in India, and the guy said he can buy them all for 100, all three kids, lol. But I'm glad Hermana Carmen only knows Spanish because if there wasn't a language barrier between them, one of them would be killed. Lol, they talk so much crap on each other, yet he hangs out at her house all day. He started talking about prostitutes in Saudi Arabia too. I don't know what his deal is; he's a little loco.

I taught our recent convert how to tie a tie this week. That was so wholesome. I can't believe how dad I felt. So props to dads for teaching things. Also, I ate 3 Taco Maker burritos this week. Let's go. I actually have found that I really like beans. They also don't make me gassy, so that's a plus too!

We cleaned a member's car this week, and it gave me flashbacks of being a lot tech at Murdock Hyundai. So traum. I learned 380 new Spanish words this week and a few sentences, para llenar la número tres. That's how you ask to fill up gas.

We were walking to the church this week, and there was a party at the corner store. The drunk people were offering us beer, and it was funny to me. I don't know why, but they're like trying to get the Mormons drunk. They drink a lot here.

NATO - So there is this guy named Nato that has been friends with the missionaries for years here, and we're super nice to him and stuff and try to teach him. I don't really know the situation, but he loves the missionaries. Anyways, he's not like special needs at all because he's way too normal for that, but he's also way too weird to be normal. I don't even know how to describe it. Maybe he's cooked from crack or something, lol. Anyways, last night he calls us and starts off the call saying how much he misses us and how much he loves me and Elder Christensen. And he invited us to his brother's beach property in Camuy. And we said we can't swim or go to the beach, but he said it's fine and that we can and it's ok. Then he goes, "Don't wear a white shirt or pants, though, that's weird." And we said we're sorry, but that's all we own. And he goes, "I can buy you clothes," which doesn't make sense because he always begs us for food for his diabetes. But if you have money, buy your food, Nato. So we were going to call his bluff there but didn't. Then he said he wants to and needs to spend a day with us because he just loves us so so much. And that he knows we have a day off (P-day) and that we have no excuse not to hang out with him! Then he said he really just wants a day with Elder Tew. "I really really like Elder Tew. I'm going to keep him. I just really want Elder Tew." (It's hard to explain how badly he wants to keep me and wants me. You had to hear the call.) Then my comp goes, "No, I want Elder Tew," and he goes, "I want Elder Tew more." And my comp goes, "How do you know you want him more? You don't know how much I want Elder Tew." Then he said, "I'm going to come to church just so after, I can knock you out, Elder Christensen, and kidnap Elder Tew in my trunk so I can spend a day with him." Lol (which doesn't make sense because he doesn't have a car, can't drive, and he also when we offer to get him rides from members to church, he won't accept because they have to meet him first. But he doesn't like that because they should already know him because he came to church once, so they should remember him. But none of the members know who he is, lol, and he doesn't know them either, so how would they know you if you don't know them, lol?). So we'd honestly be impressed if he came to church in the first place and kidnapped me with his non-existent car or driver's license. Then he goes, "Elder Tew, you stole my heart" (little weird, but who knows). I said thanks, Nato, glad we're pals too. Then he said he's sending me a virtual bro hug through the phone and begged us a few more times to spend the day with his friends and said Elder Christensen could come this time, lol.

Hurricane season: It's hurricane season here, so we have lots of warnings. We had 2 this week, Fred and Grace, and they both missed PR, so that's good. They also never turned into a cyclone, only stayed a tropical storm, then became a depression (which means they're super weak, lol). Anyways, also, the earthquake in Haiti was massive. We're all praying for them to recover. A freaking 7.2 earthquake, that's huge. We felt it a tiny bit here, but me and my comp didn't notice it. It wouldn't have been huge where we were, but if any of you were wondering about that, yes, PR did have some earthquake shock from it, but it was really little, and we didn't feel it.

Overall, good week. I love being a missionary. Also, if I go missing, it was Nato, so find that man, lol. Anyways, write me, let me know what's nuevo and what's happening in life. Also, shout out to Josh for being the one that replied last week. And also (so weird, but shout out to Zamari for shaving my legs that one time). I don't know why or how that came up, but now the district makes fun of me for it. But I will own up to it. It was so clutch. They were all making fun of me for shaving my legs, but like, I'll own up to it. I hate leg hair; it's so pointless. Also, my leg hairs get pulled out by my sock every day.

Got 7 mosquito bites this week, so that's clutch. Ate lots of tostones and Marshmallow Mateys. Still love mac and cheese. Got a good tan here. I also got my Lobos de Arecibo hat and a sick Puerto Rico baseball jersey.

Anyways, love you all, miss you. Some of you need to write me. I don't care if we never talked that much; I love to hear from everyone, and I want to hear about life and school, etc., work, anything. Keep me updated!